A minor collection of dirty jokes. Some of them are offensive. Don't read them if you don't want to.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
There are three kinds of sex that a married couple has: All over the house sex; bedroom sex and hall sex.
All over the house sex happens on the honeymoon, and for the first year or so of marriage. It's when you will do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason.
Bedroom sex is what evolves later. It's when the couple has sex at bedtime on Saturdays in the bedroom.
Hall sex occurs even later in the marriage. It's when the couple passes on another in the hallway, glares and says, "Fuck you!".
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, Can you help me"? After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is the treatment"? "Well" the doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis". Jack thinks about it for a while then says "the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it".
A few weeks after the operation Jack is given the green light to use his improved equipment. So he plans a romantic evening with this girl that he's been meaning to ask out for a while, but didn't dare until now. They go to his very nice restaurant in the city. In the middle of dinner Jack feels this stirring between his legs that continues to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure he unzips his fly under the table, thinking nobody is going to see it anyway. But his penis immediately springs from his pants, grabs a roll from the table, and returns back into his pants. His date was completely stunned at first but then says with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" To which Jack replied "Well, I guess so, but I don't really think I can fit another roll in my butt"!
A teacher was giving his class a pop quiz to see if they did their homework.
He said, "What part of the body swells to 10 times its normal size when excited?"
When the teacher called on Jennifer, she blushed and replied, "I, I mean I don't know. No, oh, no! I couldn't answer that!?"
When the teacher called on Tommy, he replied, "It's the pupil of the eye."
The teacher said, "Correct."
After a pause, he then says, "Class, we have learned 3 facts about Jennifer. First, she didn't do her homework. Second, she has a dirty mind. And third, she is going to be sorely disappointed when she grows up and gets married!"
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the FATHER to ease the mother's burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"I like that one better." (While shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that sh*t in here now," the priest says.
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out in back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
TODAYS HISTORY LESSON
The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow.
This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
- The Fly -
One glorious Fall day a fish was swimming around in the stream, having a delightful time. He heard a slight buzzing and looked up, to notice a fly flitting over the water. The fish thought to himself: If that fly would just come down about 6 inches, I could jump up and have me a nice little snack.
On the shore, a brown bear happened to notice the fly and fish and said to himself: If that fly would just come down about 6 inches, that fish would jump up to get him, I could grab that fish and have me a nice little lunch.
A hunter was sitting back in the woods, eating his sandwich, when he saw the bear, fish and fly, and said to himself: If that fly would just come down about 6 inches, the fish would jump up, that bear would reach out, I could shoot the bear and we'd have enough meat for the winter.
A mouse happened to be peering out from under the hunter's chair watching everything and saying to himself: If that fly would just come down about 6 inches, that fish would jump up, the bear would reach out to grab the fish, the hunter would stand up to shoot the bear, his cheese sandwich would fall off his lap, and I'd have me a pretty good meal.
A cat crouched in the bushes, eyeing the mouse and the rest of the scenario, and he said to himself: If that fly would just come down about 6 inches, the fish would jump up to get him, the bear would reach out to grab the fish, the hunter would stand up to shoot the bear, that little mouse would run over and get the cheese sandwich, I could pounce on the mouse, and I'd have me a nice tasty little morsel.
Well, the fly came down about 6 inches, the fish leapt up, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter stood up and shot the bear, the cheese sandwich fell to the ground, the mouse ran over and grabbed the cheese, the cat bounded over to pounce on the mouse, overshot his mark and fell into the stream.
Moral of the story?
Every time a fly comes down about 6 inches, some pussy gets wet!
This useful tool, commonly
The functioning of which is
usually found hung, dangling
It boasts of a clump of
hole at the other. In use, it
willingly, sometimes slowly,
fleshy, moist opening where
and again many times in
accompanied by squirming
listening in will most surely
sound, resulting from the
finally withdrawn, it leaves
substance, some of which will
surfaces of the opening and
shaft. After everything is
liquids have ceased
hanging state of rest, ready
hopefully reaching its
day, but often much less.
What am i???????
As you may have already
none other than your very
what were you
What is Politics?
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about?"
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends she's asleep!"
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead !"
BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB then slowly expandsto200MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS Only attacks minor files.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Got a letter from Grandma and she writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passion over came them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"
There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis.
A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest . . .
The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower."
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard . . .
"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower," said the chief priest.
The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of . . . but no bell rang!
"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph"
"Ting-a-ling" . . .
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil...
"The hat check girl puts out!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,"Those are called condoms,son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school" He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men, the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for..."
Two deaf people got married.
During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,.... "Hi Keith!"
The Poopie List (this is a long list)
THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOPIE
You wipe you butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into small pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is to sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellow-ish brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl, and at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
This poopie is so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in some rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet bowl mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. It requires patience and muscle control.
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poopie (ie: during a root canal) or you are nowhere near
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered - bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's poopie.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't poopie.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Fear of pooping - can be fatal.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "StillGgoing" poopie.
THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln
THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE" POOPIE
Similiar to the Lincoln Log and the Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds as they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HECK DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as the Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as people come near.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
Picture a bar full of phone phreaks. Jester Sluggo walks in drunk. He goes to the front and gets a beer. He chugs it and looks at the people on the left side of the bar and says, "ALL OF YOU ON THIS SIDE OF THE BAR ARE MOTHERFUCKERS! ANY OF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" "No not me they cried, not wanting to incure damage. Sluggo chugs another beer and then looks up and says, "ALL OF YOU ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BAR ARE COCKSUCKERS! ANY OF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" "No not I,"they all cried. Then suddenly a small figured mexican national stood up and started walking towards Sluggo. "YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH SOMETHING I SAID," he belched. "No no senor, I was on the wrong side of the bar.
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man? Life could be so much simpler (for everyone)!
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing: your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two. (it's a great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotionally happy he will be when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep, never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
At a business lunch, platters of calamari were passed down the tables. As a platter reached one of the employee's wives, she was heard to remark during an unfortunate lull in the conversation, "No, thanks. I never eat anything with testicles attached."
The stricken silence lasted a few moments. Then 150 people lost it.
Top 10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:
10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
7. "Wait a minute...I get it - what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry, I was just picturing you tied up and naked."
4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
And The Number One Thing You Should Never Say To A Woman During An Argument....
1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights.
He than asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here." The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Gray." Then he asked "What color siding?"
"Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more.
"Your wife a blonde?"
"Your buddy got black hair?"
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid ?5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you? 5,000!"
English. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai shiate Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar
Montana. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Ass. Get in the truck.
How do you make five pounds of fat attractive?
Put a nipple on it.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Two couples are out camping together; for reasons of no interest to this joke, they choose to split up into the two tents: men in one, women in the other.
Around midnight one of the men woke up and said "I've got to go and see my wife?" The other man asked groggily "Why?" "Because I've got the largest erection I've ever had," the first man responded. "Do you want me to go with you?" The second man asked. Taken aback by the suggestion, the first man asked "Why do you want to go?" The second man, now fully awake, explained "because you're holding my dick."
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
The Vanilla pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article
which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,
who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller
safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside
they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of
gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"....
Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
Overheard by: Miranda
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
A proctologist walks into a bank to deposit a check. He reaches into his shirt pocket for a pen to sign it, and pulls out a rectal thermometer instead.
"Oh, great", he says, "some asshole has my pen."
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says "Excuse me, but you seem to have a steering wheel in the front of your pants."
The pirate replies "Arrrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"
A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.
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